tealights

hi. i miss you, and i know i probably havent shown it by not logging in or posting. its just that...you've changed. you're not the same sweet photo community i joined...oh my, probably two years ago. im sorry, i dont feel like sifting through endless friend requests from people i dont think are real, bulletins from bands i dont know or care to, and all this pop culture bullshit, that i feel a little bit like my insides are eating my brain when i look at it. it hurts my heart. i loved you, buzznet, dare i say buzzlove? it was great to have comment conversations, and see what these great buzznetters were up to. we've had to move onto other websites, not as conducive to a photo-sharing/photojournalism style, which was what you had to offer. i mean, i hope we can work it out...but i don't think you are willing to change, and i am not sure i'm willing to put in all the extra effort. i hope we can work it out, as some small consolation i will throw out the classic, irritating, devastating "i still want to be friends" and maybe i'll mean it...for a while. the good thing is the buzznetters...buzzfriends...i miss you guys.

bah! its not letting me upload photos! every time i try to upload photos of christmas creations i.e. presents i have made for people or any other photo for that matter, it says nothing was posted. and i cry. buzzfuck.

so i feel for some reason that i can write the sappiest things on this blog, because none of the people i see day to day are on buzznet...and i have to say, i feel like this is such a receptive sweet community, and one that has been so wonderful to be a part of in anyway.




i am so fucking happy to be back in portland. i was so apprehensive...things have fallen together into such a comfortable place; i dont feel sad or stressed or frantic: the stresses and pressures of day feels manageable, and i can make it feel distant when i need to.


on my birthday i had a really small get together with friends. my friend brought this boy who i had never met before, but because we had so many mutual friends we had both heard about each other. the point is, this was almost a month ago and i really feel like something really really good is happening there. too good...not "too good" in the sense to be true, but too good in the sense that it has to be some form of karmic retribution...because there is no way myself or anyone else could have orchestrated the whole thing so well. its just so sweet.


im also in this place where i have my few good friends and constant companions, but i have enough room to be free, and to in a way...grow up more. i was pushed into being an adult at a young age, and im starting to joy in the responsibilities i have, as daunting as they may be. i also have friends far away, but accessible...its worked out so well.

my sense of family has in the past few years become less of a traditional sense. my sense of family has developed more into this sense that my family are these wonderful people that i am so lucky to have found.


i have had a really hard time finding a place in college that i liked; part of this was because i was forced to going to a school i never wanted to when i was young; another part is i think i just havent found the right place. i feel that for right now, my room in this little house in suburban-ish portland feels really right. on sunday, our friends were playing guitar and we were reading and drawing and we made this big lunch and it just seemed so right.



ah. well. i think these rainy gray days are a breeding ground for sentimentality.

i am back in portland and it is wonderful. after a couple days of semi-unpacking, my friend and went to powells, were interviewed about something by the willamette weekly, and saw sicko for free and are THOROUGHLY DISGUSTED BY THE HEALTCARE SYSTEM. seriously. its funny because in june a sliding glass door came unhinged, hit me on the head, and knocked me out for a few minutes and probably gave me a concussion. i refused to go to the hospital because 1. i didnt want a huge bill 2. i knew they would want to scan my head and that would be another huge bill and 3. i didnt want whatever happened to be on my med. record. ANYWAYS portland, you are wonderful. and im really glad to be here.

i just like that word. one week from tomorrow until portland.

i have wonderful dreams of going on runs and planting a garden. who's with me?!




i have also decided i need a job.




five top dream jobs that i will attempt (and fail) to find this summer:

1. paid concert go-er
2. paid mediterannean food taster/consumer
3. paid person to play with dachsunds
4. paid saturday market appreciator
5. paid eater of organic produce

i do not like looking for jobs. in fact, im pretty crap at it.



i'm hoping it will all work out back in PDX



i think the song  85 by rilo kiley is pretty accurate right now.

thus and therefore

i have decided
that september 1, if not earlier, i will be moving to portland.

i've wanted to but i just havent had the right time or situation yet. however i have a friend who i will live with and im not going to let my fear of how big PSU is hold me back.

therefore i will need a job...so...if anyone knows anyone who wants a babysitter, a seller of olive oil, a maker of bed, or a student that will work hard and learn quickly, probably you should let me know. ELSE I WILL HAVE TO WORK FOR WAL-MART

kidding!

but seriously.

KIDDING

anyways

moving to portland will mean: 1. driving less; better public transportation 2. easy access to the portland mercury! 3. everyday music 4. concerts. 5. hanging out with buzznet portland people? 6. everything wonderful about portland 6. having a stable living situation 7. being oh so happy.

je suis tre fatigue.



i have been absent from the buzz for reasons...and i miss it. now i will tell you why

1. i got a concussion a few weeks ago and have had headaches, eye aches, and short term memory loss. things are feeling better now.

2. school is kicking my ass. french finals, photography portfolios...etc etc etc. changing my major also...to photo-journalism

3. i have no new pictures! well thats not true...i just have been working primarily in film and have no scanner, therefore no way of sharing my prints! sucks for sharing, but i have a beefy portfolio after this term...and lots of darkroom practice.


anyways, finals over this week...then more work and work and then a little trip to seattle via portland to see feist in concert.



BYE ALL
MUCH LOVE

so
for my final project in photography (due remarkably soon) i am going to buy posterboard and a big marker and have people make a sign of anything they want to say to the world at that moment. i will then have them hold the sign and i will photograph them with their sign, then take a picture of their face, then take a picture of their feet (wearing whatever shoes, etc they are wearing) i'm going to scratch the emulsion of the film on the faces so you can see the shape of their hair, etc but not the actual face.



what would your sign say??

i got a job at yellowstone this summer! yay! its basically going to be slave labor. but yellowstone! and i'll be living in a dorm type thing. my friend applied with me so she'll be there part of the time. the dates are july 10 - sept 17...which is coincidentally my 20th birthday.



i also would like to say...SCHOOL IS FOR THE BIRDS. well, end of the term is stressful. we'll leave it at that.

there is some sort of yucky sickness going around that my roommate got and then gave to me and then our other roommate has some yucky sickness too. this is my second day staying home from school (really not good)

anyways, i was trying to sleep last night around eight, all feverish and feeling yucky because of the cold medicine, and cute boy came with orange juice! and sat by the side of my bed and talked to me until my fever broke.


awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

thus, here is the weekend. and my allergies decide to have some flare up so my sinuses ache, my eyes and nose water, and my throat is scratchy. i sit in bed. i eat mango sorbet. maybe cute boy will come watch movies with me? maybe i will go see friends? oh the uncertainty. my photography class...my first photo class ever...intimidates me. my english class humors me. my psych classes amuse me. i got new shoes today. they are pretty sweet. i am listening to clap your hands say yeah. whatever it was that sent me to the emergency room is now gone. they still arent sure what happened. but i feel fine. aside from the allergies and such.


this is my full update as of 9:36 p.m.

one of the reasons i carry around a messager almost always is because i like having alot of crap with me, and one thing i almost always have with me is my quote book. although i keep a journal, its irregular and moody. my quote book is a book where i write things that i read or hear and want to remember. it really is my best form of journaling.

re-reading some of the entries when i'm down and sharing them for some reason is so soothing.
some highlights:


"please, remember me fondly. i heard from someone you're still pretty. and then they went on to say that the pearly gates have some eloquent graffiti, like 'we'll meet again' and 'fuck the man' and 'tell my mother not to worry'."
- the trapeze swinger, iron and wine

"so then i just start wondering whether i have ever enjoyed this stuff, the physical sensation rather than the fact of it, or whether is just something i feel i ought to do, and when this reverie is over, i find that we're no longer kissing but hugging, and i'm staring at the back of a sofa."
- high fidelity, nick hornby

"soon they became just another face in the hall. i never had friends later on like i did when i was twelve. jesus, does anyone?"

"whoso would be a man must be a non-conformist."
- ralph waldo emerson

"every girl goes through a photography phase"
- lost in translation

"people never notice anything"
-catcher in the rye (half my quote book is catcher in the rye)

"so let us melt and make no noise"
-john donne

"i feel like a guest, trapped in my own politeness. so i can't do that."
- running with scissors

"innocence cannot stop bullets. it cannot eradicate disease. it can't put books and well paid teachers into under-funded schools. but innocence has power. it undercuts obsessive fears. it tames anxiety. it brings things down to a manageable size. it also helps to separate the little fears from the big ones."

"all i have to say about these songs is that i love them, and want to sing along to them, and force other people to listen to them, and get cross when other people dont like them as much as i do"
- songbook, nick hornsby

"they lost their high heels on the way, kissed us in the humid darkness, and then slipped away to throw up demurely in the outside bushes. some of us held their heads as they vomited, then let them rinse their mouths with beer, after which we got back to kissing again. the girls were monstrous in their formal dresses, each built around a wire cage. pounds of hair were secured atop their heads. drunk, and kissing us or passing out in chairs, they were bound for college, husbands, child-rearing, unhappiness. only dimly perceived, bound in other words, for life."
- the virgin suicides

"i ask you: is dullness a gift? intelligence a curse? i'm forty seven years old and i live alone."
- virgin suicides

"we'd always chosen to play indians and not cowboys."
-virgin suicides

"but now i see love, looking for you in this other girls eyes."
-iron and wine, promising light

i ate tofurkey this year



things are taking a strong spiral downward
i cant fix them

time and all you gave
i was the jerk who preferred the sea
to tussling in the waves
tugging your skirt, singing please, please, please

but now i see love
tracked on the floor where you walked outside
now i see love
looking for you in this other girl's eyes

time and all you took
only my freedom to fuck the whole world
promising not to look
promising light on the sidewalk girls

but now i see love
there in your car where i said those things
now i see love
tugging your skirt, singing please, please, please

time and all you gave
there on your cross that i never saw
well beyond the waves
dunking my head when i heard you call

but now i see love
there in the scab where you pinched my leg
now i see love
there on your side of my empty bed




i highly recommend finding this song by iron and wine (and any other iron and wine song for that matter) and playing it repeatedly and feeling mellow and maybe let a few tears fall.

so basically, here's the deal. im protesting my 19th birthday (this sunday) because let's face it, 19 is the new 40.



just kidding
but seriously
ok maybe kidding








but seriously...

so
i work at a small olive oil store here in napa valley. and i meet cool people. today i met this cool couple from portland. i was like oh. i miss portland. and then yesterday i met this lady who was from portland too. and i was like "yeah im moving back up there" and she said "well my brother owns alot of apartments in downtown portland by PSU" and i was like "ha. im transfering there" and she told me to give her my email and name and that her brother would get in touch with me. she was like "you seem smart. he likes to rent to students" which is nice because when i was trying to find a place down here no one took me seriously because i was/am eighteen.

i like how i have worked sixty hours already this week and will probably be working at least 15 tomorrow. its been fun. one of my girls had her birthday so we had a fairy party. fifty people. twenty girls (including myself) wearing fairy wings. libby and i spent all afternoon decorating hers the other day. where else would i find a job where i get paid to hang out with a five year old and decorate fairy wings.

but i like how i live in this house with two people i'd never met before and thomas (who is from orlean, france) comes in and we always sit on my bed and talk about the weather or music or this lady that lives across the way from us who is crazy. her name is scooter. she came over at eleven o clock at night and was like "hey guys come have some wine with me" we were like...um....


and also
im turning nineteen in september. nineteen is such a wasteless birthday...i mean eighteen is supposed to be big...and twenty you arent a teen anymore and twenty one...well obviously that has its perks. nineteen...bleh.


well, cheers to another day of work tomorrow and then to the city to see the monet in normandy exhibit at the legion of honor.

i think i somehow caught strep throat in the middle of this california summer heat
(by "think" i mean, one of the girls i nanny got strep and i probably got it from her)
and i realized these things
1. for the first time this upcoming year, i will be going to a school that is not A) private and B) christian (!!!!!!)
2. when frank died i had no desire to live at home anymore
3. living in portland is going to be great
4. i use very little gas because i walk most everywhere which is nice
5.i think my thermometer is broken.

recent realization:


I LIKE LIVING BY MYSELF!

and furthermore, i like not eating meat...and i love blackberry sorbet.